insanity

i think its defined as: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. preMom....i think i was on a roll. i had all these ideas and plans. postMom...im kinda like, "eh". i dont care for too much right now, but today im leaving for Detroit to visit my sister (which is a preMom planned trip). i wanted to cancel it, but the tickets not refundable, and i dont like losing money =(

so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.

nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...

death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...

(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.

dysfunction

it's been 3 weeks since my mom passed away. has it really? the time is going so fast and im still not used to her not being here. a few days ago i caught myself calling her phone...i was thinking about something and really wanted to see what she thought. but it was just her voicemail...with her whimsical voice. i cant believe MY mommy is gone.

i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.

i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.

i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.

mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.

today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.

i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.

but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.

& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.

& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.

me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.