are they supposed to look like that?

well...
i was looking in the mirror - naked.
and my first thought was..."i need a boob job."
not like a growth thing to make them bigger.
but to make them sit better.
they seem to be heading south and they arent even that hefty!
i thought this only happened to bigger breasted women.
maybe im being cursed for avoid bras after 7pm.
not sure.
while i have embraced cellulite (the beauty marks of womanhood in my opinion) and their beloved close neighbors the stretch marks (which arent cute at all but they are there) - im not sure if i want to embrace looking in the mirror at my chest and sagging boobs.
is there no breast lift i can do in the gym?

just Tuesday thoughts.

amber rose slut walk

perception is everything.
i read about amber rose's slutwalk and my first thought was..."people still use that word?"
slut. i feel like its not even a word thats used anymore since a surge of sexual expression has made people much more liberal on the topic of what makes someone a "slut" or "hoe".
and apparently amber has taken some offense to the turn and i guess a lot of others have too...

perception is everything.
i saw this to say...there's two ways to view this.
and there's various situations.
and while i think women in the public eye who are perceived to have little to no talent and often attached to some guy...she is a very easy target.

who in the world would know whether amber is a slut?

while i couldnt really identify the real purpose of her leading this effort,
was it about rape victims or slut shaming or all the above?
regardless of its intent, it drew the attention of women who identified with it.

whats concerning is whether it actually makes a difference to viewers?
because if we're honest, if you see a woman dressed provocatively, you think she wants to draw attention. the question is whether she is drawing the kind of attention that she wants...
a man with eyeballs will gawk, look and if he can...touch.
so are you drawing unwanted attention?

i agree that to a certain degree...what i wear should not matter...but it does. it actually does. i wouldnt dress like that to a job interview, church, school etc...so why is it okay to dress like that and think that you won't draw the attention?

i think it's unfair to no keep that in perspective about the perception that your dress is giving. is it possible to be harassed and shamed fully dressed? yes. but that's different than making an invitation with your provocative attire.

i think there's alot to be said about a slut walk in principle about the right of woman to express herself how she chooses...but we can't be lost to the fact that others could few this in a way we don't want to welcome it. and in the wrong setting, you could be in a dangerous and serious situation.

just a thought.
perception is everything.

well...i try.

this is for BET Awards 2015.
first.
wasn't it really long? it felt longer than it had been in prior years! i think i was up til midnight waiting and waiting for it to end...
which brings me to this mini rant but first...the good things...
i think there were some solid performances this year. im a biased 90s r&b and hip hop fan so the Bad Boy tribute was OBVIOUSLY the best performance of the night. hands down. kendrick lamar, yup, im biased there too...it was a close 2nd. and then there were only random performances occurring many of which Chris Brown seemed to randomly appear in...and well...ya know...
then there was Smokie Robinson with that great sermon on being humble and aware of oneself. i was here for it! and the performances for him were fantastic. major kudos to his huge library of work. it makes me wish i lived in that era of time (without all the racism and Jim Crow laws)...

and now for everything else...
i watched the BET Pre Show and the Awards...was i the only one who noticed that there seemed to be alot of disorganization going on? now, i know its live tv and everything won't be perfect but i seemed to noticed alot more offs than ons...teleprompters were a little off...some didnt work...the cameras werent connecting to the correct hosts...i mean...what the hell? it just seemed thrown together. thankfully, they ended the show on a decent note, but i was overall disappointed in the production of it all.
the janet tribute...it was like...an overhyped fight...ciara did a pretty decent dance number as well as the other performers...but i didnt see the point in having a big name do what the back up dancers could have done alone! theres wasnt a diverse enough span of janet's discography to me, and i was disappointed not one person actually came out to sing! overall...i give the tribute a 5...it was a nice effort but it wasnt mind blowing or interesting.
i am consistently trying to support BET but i was so unimpressed with the anticipated original programming and the Awards despite its length and decent hosting and performances. i barely recall any awards that were given....smh...

well...i try.

feminist.

i feel like i've written about this before.
feminism.
it feels like a never ending thing that i keep hearing about...
that i can't seem to quite define.
i looked up the definition of feminism and it states..."the advocacy of women's rights on the groups of political, social and economic equality to men."
i'm sure there's more depth to this.
but i have to admit...
i think i'm a feminist.
i always want to see women win although i am not quite sure how to feel about alot of them.
i even sometimes find it difficult to coexist with some of them.
but that doesn't mean i don't want to see them win.
all women deserve to win. and win big.

i think this all floods to my mind when i watch and listen to segments about women in our society (home and abroad) that are just taking their lives by the horns and running off with it. im inspired by the stories. they remind me to continue despite what i may be feeling at the time. they push to run out of my own skin and be okay with being outside myself...exploring.

this is what i think of feminism. exploration. a woman's exploration of herself to push for other women to explore as well. it's liberating. and loving. and free.

yrsa daley-ward is a storyteller. she did a beautiful piece that i've watched more times than necessary. i'm not sure if she knows it...but she's a feminist.

the gap and my discovery of never having it....

the gap.
its the thing that brought the photo shop scandal to beyonce.
and here it is...plaguing my damn life every day.
ever since i can remember...even in tip top shape...i never had the gap.
so when i looked in the mirror on a weigh in morning reminding myself that one i would have the gap so that i would know i had done the work...
that whole thing went away by the end of the day.
i couldnt believe i still thought "the gap" was possible. maybe it was but not with my body.

i would like to think i am very comfortable in my skin. that i am accepting of my body flaws and curves and all that. but really...i wasnt. because "the gap" is what models on beaches have. its what the women who are in my gym everyday that look like what i hope to kind of look like when im back in that hard core shape again. but me?

again...
at the end of the day looking in the mirror after a shower. i realized.
"the gap" wasnt coming for me. it wasnt meant for me.

i come from a long line of thick thighs. thighs that were meant to kiss and touch. and because they did...it did not mean they were not toned and beautiful. it did not mean that i was any less healthy or athletic than the other women i saw in the gym. it just meant that my body was different. that my build was different. and instead of trying to tear it down and destroy it...i needed to embrace the beauty of what it contributes to my curves.

so i dont hate them after all.
it is a balancing act in my mind to be okay with them.
and to relinquish that bit of self hate is a step in the right direction!
no gap is okay =)

nostalgia - ashanti

the only thing i wanted to share today is....ashanti.

i find myself in alot of nostalgia like moments. and today is no different.

i have no idea what ashanti is doing lately but i remember many times sitting in my room jamming to ashanti's first album with my sister or my friend ashley...literally singing the day away.

idk. that album was the ish. and i wanted to share that. 

the day.

hmmm....

i told myself i would write more often. reflections and such.

there are alot of times the mind is always going and im never quite sure what to say...
because the mind is always going and there's always something going on.

today the current events that ran through my mind...
- oil
- nigeria
- paris
- #blacklivesmatter
- beyonce...not pregnant
- the Panthers are out of the playoffs...and the Cowboys

just a few of the things that had my mind going. the brain has got to be tired.

when i was on the gym today, i decided to just sit...quietly...in the sauna. i did that for about an hr in up to 160 degrees. stretching and inhaling and exhaling...the yoga experience. i saw this older woman standing in the mirror outside the sauna door. i think she was waiting for someone who was in a stall. a spanish...mexican...or something like that...she was so short. a very small woman. she was just standing in the mirror...not looking at it but just looking toward it.

i just noticed her face. the relaxed look of it. the simplicity of it. and the hardness of it. i wondered what she did for a living. she looked north of 40...maybe 50...i wondered what it was she had done all these years. what has she seen? this was a woman who had seen the 60s of this world. sometimes i wish i could have seen the 60s of this world. when things were dramatically different. more than anything i figured she was a mother. and i wondered whether she shared those journeys with her daughter. but she had lived. a life that may not have been perfect or clear or simple. but she lived. and it mattered.

thats the lesson that i learned today. you matter. i matter. we matter.

-bk