....like f*ck....as in f*ck it...bc thats what i say sometimes when that all too familiar sigh leaves the lips of a single friend....the sigh that often times deals with men or the lack of them (is there really a shortage or just a shortage of the ones we like?). nonetheless...the sigh is usually really depressing and it's usually followed by my own sigh which is usually a combo of f*ck it & i understand....
because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??
i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like me...it spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...
i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing this...im literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...
but since those episodes...im aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]
but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than mines...im resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.
but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested in...you're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...
just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...
ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...
the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a chore...you tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....
YES YES YES...my life in a nutshell.
so im a nut. in a single shell.
and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.
i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...
singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than one...im TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...
nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.
