i had a whole list of other thoughts in mind to share here. at some point...i have GOT to do a better job drafting...but maybe non-drafting is actually an opportunity to be extremely candid. hmph.
well. mercy.
its the first word that came to my mind when i just sat here trying to think of what to say. surely theres plenty of mercy going around for me...and maybe you. but seriously...alot on me. i keep thinking, "it could be worse" and immediately the word - mercy - comes to mind. i think thats where my mind is alot quite often. embracing mercy and being grateful that it doesnt look like what it could look like.
so as friday closes and the weekend arises a new thing in us...take this Word with you, Matthew 9 [read it all because it will bless you!] but please take this and love on it in your spirit: Matthew 9:13 Jesus says, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
Want to dig more into what that Scripture means? that was really eye opening and a fresh eye on this: http://www.philcox.org/Mercy_not_Sacrifice.html
ENJOY THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND! =)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
l-o-v-e and other 4 letter words...
....like f*ck....as in f*ck it...bc thats what i say sometimes when that all too familiar sigh leaves the lips of a single friend....the sigh that often times deals with men or the lack of them (is there really a shortage or just a shortage of the ones we like?). nonetheless...the sigh is usually really depressing and it's usually followed by my own sigh which is usually a combo of f*ck it & i understand....
because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??
i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like me...it spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...
i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing this...im literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...
but since those episodes...im aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]
but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than mines...im resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.
but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested in...you're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...
just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...
ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...
the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a chore...you tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....
YES YES YES...my life in a nutshell.
so im a nut. in a single shell.
and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.
i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...
singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than one...im TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...
nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.
because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??
i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like me...it spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...
i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing this...im literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...
but since those episodes...im aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]
but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than mines...im resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.
but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested in...you're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...
just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...
ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...
the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a chore...you tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....
YES YES YES...my life in a nutshell.
so im a nut. in a single shell.
and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.
i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...
singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than one...im TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...
nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.
au naturale
a month ago i went and got my hair straighten. i hadnt seen it straight it so long i was kinda nervous how it would turn out. on top of that...my ends were going thru a hell cycle of being under managed and splitting like crazy (sigh) but the length that my hair has generated since going natural again (because this is at least my 2-3rd time going natural) some serious length!
ive since ran it under water and feel completely liberated again now that im not running from any form of water...but i started to realize that being natural started to feel like a burden...
do u KNOW natural women?! some of them take this shit very seriously. ive just grown not to care. i do a twist out and keep it moving...better yet...let me slap on a wig and fake it til i make it. so right before wading in the water and allowing my curls to go free...i went back to underground world of natural blogs looking for something fresh to feed my roots and recovered some new styles
BUT the blessing i received had to be this new term that i found too funny: pre-poo. natural videos kept mentioning it. i had to google it. so, it's basically conditioning ur hair before u shampoo it. in my head...it sounds ridiculous. i gave it a try and i share my recipe below. two words.
GOD SEND. my hair is immaculately soft, manageable and only took me about 10-20 minutes to detangle vs to the old 1.5hr detangle i was slaving through before...close enough to me literally cutting all my hair off...
i cant see myself getting a relaxer again but like many things in my life right now...everything is teaching some kind of lesson....and my hair is always revealing something new in me before it literally comes thru ur head. my inability to handle my hair just was a reflection to how careless i had become about myself for awhile...completely uncommitted to anything bc everything was changing too much. easier to overlook it and until it becomes a mess...and then ur forced to handle it....
i feel a sermon in my spirit but i wont go in....
so on that note...while i praise through these keys...here's my prepoo recipe...attempt it for urself or do a lil research...just dont get lost in the blogs unable to find urself...
pre-poo
- 1 part honey (heat up and then add condition to the honey)
- 1 part african black soap conditioner
- 1/4 part of an essential oil (i used olive oil)
- mix these well
- with a brush and comb apply the mix in sections assuring it saturates from root
- leave on the hair over night in a cap or leave on hair for about 1-2 hours
- run hair under warm water
- apply ur regular shampoo [prepooing is suppose to give ur hair some protection from being stripped by a shampoo that may contain ingredients that tend to be harmful to the hair]
- condition ur hair
- i used KINKY CURLY leave in and olive oil mix after drying
what i recovered from this process:
- easier for me to detangle in shorter time while i the shower
- great smell that is still lasting
- the oil helps seal the hair
- less breakage
- great shine
- manageable
GOOD LUCK!
my 5head and post the Godsend of kyra straightening my hair!
ive since ran it under water and feel completely liberated again now that im not running from any form of water...but i started to realize that being natural started to feel like a burden...
do u KNOW natural women?! some of them take this shit very seriously. ive just grown not to care. i do a twist out and keep it moving...better yet...let me slap on a wig and fake it til i make it. so right before wading in the water and allowing my curls to go free...i went back to underground world of natural blogs looking for something fresh to feed my roots and recovered some new styles
BUT the blessing i received had to be this new term that i found too funny: pre-poo. natural videos kept mentioning it. i had to google it. so, it's basically conditioning ur hair before u shampoo it. in my head...it sounds ridiculous. i gave it a try and i share my recipe below. two words.
GOD SEND. my hair is immaculately soft, manageable and only took me about 10-20 minutes to detangle vs to the old 1.5hr detangle i was slaving through before...close enough to me literally cutting all my hair off...
i cant see myself getting a relaxer again but like many things in my life right now...everything is teaching some kind of lesson....and my hair is always revealing something new in me before it literally comes thru ur head. my inability to handle my hair just was a reflection to how careless i had become about myself for awhile...completely uncommitted to anything bc everything was changing too much. easier to overlook it and until it becomes a mess...and then ur forced to handle it....
i feel a sermon in my spirit but i wont go in....
so on that note...while i praise through these keys...here's my prepoo recipe...attempt it for urself or do a lil research...just dont get lost in the blogs unable to find urself...
pre-poo
- 1 part honey (heat up and then add condition to the honey)
- 1 part african black soap conditioner
- 1/4 part of an essential oil (i used olive oil)
- mix these well
- with a brush and comb apply the mix in sections assuring it saturates from root
- leave on the hair over night in a cap or leave on hair for about 1-2 hours
- run hair under warm water
- apply ur regular shampoo [prepooing is suppose to give ur hair some protection from being stripped by a shampoo that may contain ingredients that tend to be harmful to the hair]
- condition ur hair
- i used KINKY CURLY leave in and olive oil mix after drying
what i recovered from this process:
- easier for me to detangle in shorter time while i the shower
- great smell that is still lasting
- the oil helps seal the hair
- less breakage
- great shine
- manageable
GOOD LUCK!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
too official
in a way of trying to maintain sanity, ive re caught my writing bug. between the busy and the not so busy....i try to sleep but then sleeping makes me realize im running...so....i write to be clear. but i havent really wanted to post it. everytime i think to add my writing here it feels........too official. too formal even though i rarely use punctuation or capitalization properly. but sitting at my pc to type here puts a rush of unnecessary fear inside of me. its too official. out for everyone to see. some things far too intimate but maybe a blessing to someone else. still too serious. too official and too much like something i have to face head on. writing this is very much nudity to me.
slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...
im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.
and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.
too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.
til next time.
slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...
im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.
and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.
too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.
til next time.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
insanity
i think its defined as: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. preMom....i think i was on a roll. i had all these ideas and plans. postMom...im kinda like, "eh". i dont care for too much right now, but today im leaving for Detroit to visit my sister (which is a preMom planned trip). i wanted to cancel it, but the tickets not refundable, and i dont like losing money =(
so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.
nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...
death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...
(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.
so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.
nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...
death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...
(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.
Monday, May 21, 2012
dysfunction
it's been 3 weeks since my mom passed away. has it really? the time is going so fast and im still not used to her not being here. a few days ago i caught myself calling her phone...i was thinking about something and really wanted to see what she thought. but it was just her voicemail...with her whimsical voice. i cant believe MY mommy is gone.
i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.
i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.
i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.
mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.
today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.
i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.
but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.
& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.
& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.
me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.
i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.
i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.
i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.
mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.
today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.
i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.
but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.
& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.
& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.
me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.
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