too official

in a way of trying to maintain sanity, ive re caught my writing bug. between the busy and the not so busy....i try to sleep but then sleeping makes me realize im running...so....i write to be clear. but i havent really wanted to post it. everytime i think to add my writing here it feels........too official. too formal even though i rarely use punctuation or capitalization properly. but sitting at my pc to type here puts a rush of unnecessary fear inside of me. its too official. out for everyone to see. some things far too intimate but maybe a blessing to someone else. still too serious. too official and too much like something i have to face head on. writing this is very much nudity to me.

slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...

im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.

and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.

too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.

til next time.

insanity

i think its defined as: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. preMom....i think i was on a roll. i had all these ideas and plans. postMom...im kinda like, "eh". i dont care for too much right now, but today im leaving for Detroit to visit my sister (which is a preMom planned trip). i wanted to cancel it, but the tickets not refundable, and i dont like losing money =(

so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.

nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...

death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...

(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.

dysfunction

it's been 3 weeks since my mom passed away. has it really? the time is going so fast and im still not used to her not being here. a few days ago i caught myself calling her phone...i was thinking about something and really wanted to see what she thought. but it was just her voicemail...with her whimsical voice. i cant believe MY mommy is gone.

i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.

i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.

i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.

mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.

today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.

i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.

but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.

& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.

& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.

me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.

is sex better than love?

gearing up for bed...turned on my TANK pandora station (idk why i do that to myself...playin with Tank!) and then Trey Songz "sex aint better than love" comes on. now ive heard this song hit the radio a few times and never really paid much attention to it. because of alot of the music trey songz had generally put out before, theres no way i could find myself taking this one seriously...like, seriously, you think LOVE is better than SEX? who knew?

it all seems a bit contrary to some of his music money makers. in theory, i would readily agree with the song. love is better than having random sex with someone you dont love. but then i took a step back and thought about the general idea of sex and i think trey touches on it a bit in the song when he says "and it feels bad and it feels so good" and i think that pretty much sums up what sex kind of falls into...very little...

if you have found yourself in the situation where you have been with someone who you didnt a committed relationship with...you may agree that sex tends to have zero to no security. even when two people knowingly go into it casually...the likelihood of both coming out of the situation the same way they came in is unrealistic and unlikely. have you seen the movie "friends with benefits"? i think its a great sum up of how sloppy the concept can become. even more so, in the long run, difficult for women to comprehend and keep separate no matter how much they are aware of what is going on. its just UNNATURAL for a woman, particularly, to be absolutely disconnected from a man that she knowingly connected herself to. this doesnt mean the sex isnt good...i can just become complicated and then youre in public places trying to avoid this person whose name you cant remember or had a bitter text fight with that resulted in neither of you speaking again.....yeah, one of those situations...

& the security of love makes the act of sex...different. there is absolutely a purpose why God wanted us married before engaging in the act that would (1) generate children (2) provide pleasure and definitely allow two people to connect in a way that God intended..and thats for two to become 1.

so i guess i do agree with trey...love is definitely better. there are few words to describe what that level of intimacy is like between two committed individuals. and although a few *tank* or *trey songz* tracks could EAASSSILLLYYY lead to necessary yet unnecessary thoughts and situations...he got it right on this one. and its such a nice track to add...

grapeseed oil. the new black.

i swear by olive oil on my hair. for moisture and shine, its done me wonders. but about a month or two ago i bought grapeseed oil. i read it was good for the skin while i was looking for new ways to enhance my skin treatment natural since i started noticing i was breaking out again (namely because my skin is soooo oily).

welp, upon needing to wash my hair again, i decided it may be time to cut my infatuation with olive oil for a bit and check out this grapeseed oil on my hair and on my skin! the above photo is of the brand of grapeseed oil that i use and personally bought at my local grocer Kroger's-la tourangelle grapeseed oil

some of the benefits below:

- high in antioxidants

- can slow the process of aging

- high amount of linoleic acid making it great for moisturizing the skin (including lips)

but heres what ive discovered using it myself and how i used it!

- face: i did nothing special! i exfoliated my skin (with apricot scrub i bought at the store or you can use all natural sugar that isnt "pure" yet to exfoliate which is way better considering the nature's content) and applied the oil lightly on my face&neck and allowed my skin to absorb it. it works has a cleanser and moisturizer and my skin didnt even look oily after - major points!

- skin: very similar to how i use olive oil with ALL OVER application. i use olive oil like lotion and towel it off a bit but grapeseed oil is pretty thin and i just applied it like did lotion in any other situation. i LOVE how it works on my skin and here's a tidbit: it's GREAT on stretch marks. officially my go to sh*t right now!

- hair: i washed my hair, towel dry lightly and used the oil as a hot oil treatment. using a microwave safe container, i heated the oil for about 30 seconds and parted my hair in 4 sections. its alot harder because im natural but it could be easier for you! i applied the oil starting from the back and applied to the sections as evenly as possible (not perfect), went back and made sure i got my ends (because they need the more moisture) and then massaged my scalp with it. VERY great oil overall. i kept it on for about 30 minutes and rinsed applying a little conditioner but in hindsight i dont think i needed the conditioner at all. it's ready to style and go at that point! my hair felt light, full and of course shiny! loved it. i ended up doing some french braids and with a little leave in it was easy to handle! whew!

so thats my take! im officially a believer and will continue using it to see how future results go and see how long my shine lasts before ill need to use more oil on my hair. since i work out, it will probably be soon!

here's another secret of grapeseed oil, because it's all natural, colorless and a light oil, it can be used a lubricant! take that tidbit as you will but dont go buy that expensive extra stuff when your kitchen can literally provide all your needs! =)

one night

tall. handsome. you.
charming. chivalrous. you.
always listening and attentive.
close enough for your energy to linger on me.
far enough for me to want more.
nothing like im used to.
everything i want
half of what i need.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. dark corners like steamy saunas.
like birthday cake on an off day.
lovin on a rainy day.
day dreams in evident nightmares.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. like its all the way real.
til the sun rises and we sneaking past each other's eyes.
lies and faitytales.
ill take it.
just tonight.

piece.

i just want a piece.
some piece.
nothing more.
nothing less. just an opportunity to reach it and actually touch it.
a touch.
of the garment.
of the goal.
of everything ive given up and chosen to live for.
for everybody that said i was a nobody.
and for you to give me piece...
that says im somebody.
i am somebody.
and under your wing....
i wait and will not worry.
justified and verified.
my piece is coming.