Thursday, May 24, 2012


i think its defined as: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. preMom....i think i was on a roll. i had all these ideas and plans. kinda like, "eh". i dont care for too much right now, but today im leaving for Detroit to visit my sister (which is a preMom planned trip). i wanted to cancel it, but the tickets not refundable, and i dont like losing money =(

so i guess...for the first weekend doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.

nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...

death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...

(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.