ive officially deemed myself a doctor/nurse/pharmacist. idk if anyone is much more acquainted with the process of care than me (or a professional) at this point. not tooting my own horn. i was kind of forced into this situation BUT having seen my dad go through surgeries and several hospitals...im kinda a pro at this.
and home care is def where i realize...im a home nurse and if you're a good nurse...i think the attention to detail and well acquainted with how to provide exceptional service and care can be down right...tiring...because you simply care too much to be pathetic at what you do. which is why i literally take my hat off to really good nurses. i realized, having been to many hospitals and spoken to many nurses, they are the heart while the doctor is the hands. while they, literally, take direction and execute by the directive of a doctor, the care of someone is where it really truly matters...and you advocate for them when doctors sometimes have no real idea how to provide the care. nurses see them at least 12 hours of the day...who would know them better, right?
after my dad had surgery...i actually met a really good nurse. never had i seen any nurse my dad has every had take such particular care and concern. although they cannot force patients to do anything, she had this particular way with my dad that was...interesting...and on the day he left, she handed me a notebook of things she compiled that she thought were be helpful having had worked with him (aside from the things the case manager provided me). i dont think thats in her job description but she was extremely knowledgeable and went out of her way to ensure we understood everything when many nurses we've had would simply say, "im not sure. speak to the doctor." wtf they pay you for? 0__o
but uhhh...yeah. it really takes patience. and it would never be something i choose to do. ever. it's not in me. but living with my dad now...has taught me alot about being a provider. it is not easy.
well, that really good nurse i mentioned provoked me to write this. i stopped by HEB and saw her there. she remembered me and asked about my dad. again, who DOES THAT?! maybe ive begun to expect little of people that generosity seems like the exception than simply the standard.
i thank you. every good nurse. every wise doctor. its not easy work and if your reward is not in any particular place you work...your reward is definitely in HEAVEN! =)
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
when my MIND is inluv
there's always moments when im like...wow, this is exactly what i'd be like if i were in love...or hell...in like alot...aint been there in awhile. tell me you feel me.
------
MAYBE we can see a movie
or MAYBE we can see a play on Saturday
or MAYBE we can ROLLahTREE and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
or MAYBE chill and JUSTBE, or maybe....
MAYBE we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
or maybe CRRRRYYYYY to the blues
or maybe we could just be SIIILLEEENNNTTTTTT
------
^^ thats exactly what love is like in my head..the music just kinda takes me there...just maybe we can take a lil walk...
------
MAYBE we can see a movie
or MAYBE we can see a play on Saturday
or MAYBE we can ROLLahTREE and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
or MAYBE chill and JUSTBE, or maybe....
MAYBE we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
or maybe CRRRRYYYYY to the blues
or maybe we could just be SIIILLEEENNNTTTTTT
------
^^ thats exactly what love is like in my head..the music just kinda takes me there...just maybe we can take a lil walk...
Friday, September 7, 2012
girlONfire
i love this song and it's completely a GO TO track for 5K training and just simply an anthem that only A Keys could do to remind you how awesome it is to be a WOMAN and most importantly a WOMANonFIRE and completely unapologetic about running hard, chasing hard and doing it all. you better sang that song, Alicia!
are you a girl on fire???
"he's just a friend..."
please note: the video above is classic hip hop ratchet with beautiful lackluster talent women, lil wayne (of course) and a confusing side pony with his dreads...at some point i think a man should allow his dreads to stop growing...just saying...as i type this...i cant even believe im lowkey endorsing this...BUT it comes across 1 of my pandora stations often, and it amuses me. seems pretty fitting to this post.
so...the point of this post: women.
women talk about men alot but can we just turn the microscope on ourselves for a second?
women lie. then get mad when men tell the truth.
the most DREADED lie ive heard friends say is: "he's just a friend"
oh really?
far too often this lie gets us in trouble, ladies! if truth be told, we know have more than likely gone pass "friends" in our feelings even if we haven't in our actions. and you are DEFINITELY not just "friends" if you've had SEX with this so called "friend". girlBYE! in fact, you're MARRIED, but that's a whole other story...
anywho, my chronicles motif: know what you want.
& although every relationship should begin in friendship and continue in friendship...you have to know three things (1) the difference between a platonic one and romantic one and (2) ensure the both of you are on the same page on where you are. (3) dont be afraid to ask questions and never assume.
& lastly, NEVER EVER in your life SMASH THE HOMIES. rarely ends well. i never have. never will. ask any man ive called a friend. it is simply and always will be just that.
so, know your boundaries and STOP LYING to yourself and others around you and then become a sour puss when that dude says, "i just wanna be friends..." it becomes uncomfortable for all and especially your loved ones that feel so bad that they continue to encourage your embellished delusion.
fall in love but do it honestly. <3 nbsp="nbsp">
Thursday, September 6, 2012
grocery store lovin'
im committed to H-E-B. it's everything on a Saturday morning to hit the gym and then go grocery shopping just in time for the cooks to give out samples...and good stuff too!
ladies, did you know that the best place to meet eligible men is in the grocery store???! two things come to mind when i see men alone in the grocer...
1. probably living alone [which demonstrates stability...maayyybeee he has roommates but we can deal!]
2. let me check out his basket! [figure out if he eats well. does he care about what he puts inside his body?]
on 2 occasions my basket has been a conversation starter. once over vinaigrette (i kid not) and the other over cereal (he was curious if raisin bran crunch was good...really???!) and although those encounters didnt material into anything (since im still very single)...both men were 1) stable and 2) health conscious & those are two things that are important to me.
what's important to you?
& i continue to reiterate the NEED to know what you want and align it with alot of prayer for God's will.
so i am DEF looking forward to the opportunity to share with my children one day how me and daddy "met at H-E-B" hell...maybe even wal-mart...and i really hope he's a cook! =)
the LESSON: frequent places you want to meet men you truly want to attract and be OPEN to meeting someone new. you never know who might be asking about the kale in your basket on your next trip!
dream on dreamer.
dating.
am i the only one having a hard time caring about it?
im working on it but in the midst of not caring...
ive run into some interesting characters
some are reminiscent of the past & i wonder...
"is God trying to teach me a lesson here?"
maybe. idk.
what i do know is i dont like for history (esp if its not good) to repeat itself.
so when this guy approaches me at the gas station (and he was cute)
of course i was obliged to give him my number...duh!
its after that when it goes down hill...
and yes...i realized...he was a lesson (i think i get it God)
dreamer.
if u know me. u know what i do. u know where i stand. and although my values and thoughts continue to evolve with new experiences and my dire attempt to be the kind of woman God would like me to be...
i run into dreamers that excite me in great ways and some that are just pushing my thrill buttons in all the wrong ways...
dreamer....and i found several definitions of this word 1) one who is idealistic and unpractical 2) looks beyond the limits of today 3) out of touch with reality
& after a few short phone conversations...and learning that he cant hold very much conversation...i was over him but he reminded me alot of dreamers ive dated or liked...and often time their never focused enough to reach those dreams they desire...
i continue to attempt to give dreamers chances with hopes that maybe our dreams will collide.
but in sharing all that my LESSON came to this: i know who i have dated and BY GRACE i still have my sanity. in doing so, i realized what i wanted. and although i would NEVER want to go back to any of those former places, that doesnt mean they didnt have great qualities. dreamers, to be honest, scare me. and in my fear, i have to be honest with my needs and wants. and in being honest with myself, i know what im willing to tolerate. and it's BETTER and BEST to determine that quickly than to wait around catching feelings and whatever other none sense foolish girls do with broke men with no vision...
dont be her.
it's EVERYTHING to dream. it's nothing to not explore it and leap and be honest about where ever it goes. doesn't it sound alot like love? =)
Friday, August 31, 2012
mercy me.
i had a whole list of other thoughts in mind to share here. at some point...i have GOT to do a better job drafting...but maybe non-drafting is actually an opportunity to be extremely candid. hmph.
well. mercy.
its the first word that came to my mind when i just sat here trying to think of what to say. surely theres plenty of mercy going around for me...and maybe you. but seriously...alot on me. i keep thinking, "it could be worse" and immediately the word - mercy - comes to mind. i think thats where my mind is alot quite often. embracing mercy and being grateful that it doesnt look like what it could look like.
so as friday closes and the weekend arises a new thing in us...take this Word with you, Matthew 9 [read it all because it will bless you!] but please take this and love on it in your spirit: Matthew 9:13 Jesus says, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
Want to dig more into what that Scripture means? that was really eye opening and a fresh eye on this: http://www.philcox.org/Mercy_not_Sacrifice.html
ENJOY THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND! =)
well. mercy.
its the first word that came to my mind when i just sat here trying to think of what to say. surely theres plenty of mercy going around for me...and maybe you. but seriously...alot on me. i keep thinking, "it could be worse" and immediately the word - mercy - comes to mind. i think thats where my mind is alot quite often. embracing mercy and being grateful that it doesnt look like what it could look like.
so as friday closes and the weekend arises a new thing in us...take this Word with you, Matthew 9 [read it all because it will bless you!] but please take this and love on it in your spirit: Matthew 9:13 Jesus says, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."
Want to dig more into what that Scripture means? that was really eye opening and a fresh eye on this: http://www.philcox.org/Mercy_not_Sacrifice.html
ENJOY THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND! =)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
l-o-v-e and other 4 letter words...
....like f*ck....as in f*ck it...bc thats what i say sometimes when that all too familiar sigh leaves the lips of a single friend....the sigh that often times deals with men or the lack of them (is there really a shortage or just a shortage of the ones we like?). nonetheless...the sigh is usually really depressing and it's usually followed by my own sigh which is usually a combo of f*ck it & i understand....
because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??
i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like me...it spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...
i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing this...im literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...
but since those episodes...im aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]
but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than mines...im resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.
but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested in...you're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...
just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...
ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...
the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a chore...you tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....
YES YES YES...my life in a nutshell.
so im a nut. in a single shell.
and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.
i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...
singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than one...im TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...
nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.
because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??
i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like me...it spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...
i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing this...im literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...
but since those episodes...im aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]
but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than mines...im resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.
but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested in...you're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...
just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...
ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...
the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a chore...you tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....
YES YES YES...my life in a nutshell.
so im a nut. in a single shell.
and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.
i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...
singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than one...im TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...
nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.
au naturale
a month ago i went and got my hair straighten. i hadnt seen it straight it so long i was kinda nervous how it would turn out. on top of that...my ends were going thru a hell cycle of being under managed and splitting like crazy (sigh) but the length that my hair has generated since going natural again (because this is at least my 2-3rd time going natural) some serious length!
ive since ran it under water and feel completely liberated again now that im not running from any form of water...but i started to realize that being natural started to feel like a burden...
do u KNOW natural women?! some of them take this shit very seriously. ive just grown not to care. i do a twist out and keep it moving...better yet...let me slap on a wig and fake it til i make it. so right before wading in the water and allowing my curls to go free...i went back to underground world of natural blogs looking for something fresh to feed my roots and recovered some new styles
BUT the blessing i received had to be this new term that i found too funny: pre-poo. natural videos kept mentioning it. i had to google it. so, it's basically conditioning ur hair before u shampoo it. in my head...it sounds ridiculous. i gave it a try and i share my recipe below. two words.
GOD SEND. my hair is immaculately soft, manageable and only took me about 10-20 minutes to detangle vs to the old 1.5hr detangle i was slaving through before...close enough to me literally cutting all my hair off...
i cant see myself getting a relaxer again but like many things in my life right now...everything is teaching some kind of lesson....and my hair is always revealing something new in me before it literally comes thru ur head. my inability to handle my hair just was a reflection to how careless i had become about myself for awhile...completely uncommitted to anything bc everything was changing too much. easier to overlook it and until it becomes a mess...and then ur forced to handle it....
i feel a sermon in my spirit but i wont go in....
so on that note...while i praise through these keys...here's my prepoo recipe...attempt it for urself or do a lil research...just dont get lost in the blogs unable to find urself...
pre-poo
- 1 part honey (heat up and then add condition to the honey)
- 1 part african black soap conditioner
- 1/4 part of an essential oil (i used olive oil)
- mix these well
- with a brush and comb apply the mix in sections assuring it saturates from root
- leave on the hair over night in a cap or leave on hair for about 1-2 hours
- run hair under warm water
- apply ur regular shampoo [prepooing is suppose to give ur hair some protection from being stripped by a shampoo that may contain ingredients that tend to be harmful to the hair]
- condition ur hair
- i used KINKY CURLY leave in and olive oil mix after drying
what i recovered from this process:
- easier for me to detangle in shorter time while i the shower
- great smell that is still lasting
- the oil helps seal the hair
- less breakage
- great shine
- manageable
GOOD LUCK!
my 5head and post the Godsend of kyra straightening my hair!
ive since ran it under water and feel completely liberated again now that im not running from any form of water...but i started to realize that being natural started to feel like a burden...
do u KNOW natural women?! some of them take this shit very seriously. ive just grown not to care. i do a twist out and keep it moving...better yet...let me slap on a wig and fake it til i make it. so right before wading in the water and allowing my curls to go free...i went back to underground world of natural blogs looking for something fresh to feed my roots and recovered some new styles
BUT the blessing i received had to be this new term that i found too funny: pre-poo. natural videos kept mentioning it. i had to google it. so, it's basically conditioning ur hair before u shampoo it. in my head...it sounds ridiculous. i gave it a try and i share my recipe below. two words.
GOD SEND. my hair is immaculately soft, manageable and only took me about 10-20 minutes to detangle vs to the old 1.5hr detangle i was slaving through before...close enough to me literally cutting all my hair off...
i cant see myself getting a relaxer again but like many things in my life right now...everything is teaching some kind of lesson....and my hair is always revealing something new in me before it literally comes thru ur head. my inability to handle my hair just was a reflection to how careless i had become about myself for awhile...completely uncommitted to anything bc everything was changing too much. easier to overlook it and until it becomes a mess...and then ur forced to handle it....
i feel a sermon in my spirit but i wont go in....
so on that note...while i praise through these keys...here's my prepoo recipe...attempt it for urself or do a lil research...just dont get lost in the blogs unable to find urself...
pre-poo
- 1 part honey (heat up and then add condition to the honey)
- 1 part african black soap conditioner
- 1/4 part of an essential oil (i used olive oil)
- mix these well
- with a brush and comb apply the mix in sections assuring it saturates from root
- leave on the hair over night in a cap or leave on hair for about 1-2 hours
- run hair under warm water
- apply ur regular shampoo [prepooing is suppose to give ur hair some protection from being stripped by a shampoo that may contain ingredients that tend to be harmful to the hair]
- condition ur hair
- i used KINKY CURLY leave in and olive oil mix after drying
what i recovered from this process:
- easier for me to detangle in shorter time while i the shower
- great smell that is still lasting
- the oil helps seal the hair
- less breakage
- great shine
- manageable
GOOD LUCK!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
too official
in a way of trying to maintain sanity, ive re caught my writing bug. between the busy and the not so busy....i try to sleep but then sleeping makes me realize im running...so....i write to be clear. but i havent really wanted to post it. everytime i think to add my writing here it feels........too official. too formal even though i rarely use punctuation or capitalization properly. but sitting at my pc to type here puts a rush of unnecessary fear inside of me. its too official. out for everyone to see. some things far too intimate but maybe a blessing to someone else. still too serious. too official and too much like something i have to face head on. writing this is very much nudity to me.
slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...
im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.
and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.
too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.
til next time.
slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...
im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.
and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.
too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.
til next time.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
insanity
i think its defined as: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. preMom....i think i was on a roll. i had all these ideas and plans. postMom...im kinda like, "eh". i dont care for too much right now, but today im leaving for Detroit to visit my sister (which is a preMom planned trip). i wanted to cancel it, but the tickets not refundable, and i dont like losing money =(
so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.
nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...
death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...
(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.
so i guess...for the first weekend since...im doing something different. every morning is still a reminder that i have to try to get through it again. it doesnt go away. as it being a travel day, my mom would probably be calling me to check on things, check when my flight leaves and reassure her i'd call before and after i landed. i'd promise and wonder why she worried so much. i think my mom was really uncomfortable with my independence sometimes...i remember when i told her it was probably best to postpone the Ghana trip to focus on house searching and she said, "good. you're always running off somewhere myself." im not a mom, but im realizing its just what moms do.
nonetheless...the days press forward. a friend reminded me that even when you feel stuck in a place...reality will always slap you in the face. you want the world to stop, but it just keeps going. the deadlines dont change and neither do the expectations others seek from you. and he's right. but sometimes i just want to tell the friend, colleague or associate, "stfu, im not interested in laughing at your stupid joke. my mom is gone and i feel completely horrible everyday." i want to say that, but i just listen or the read the dumb text...and move right along...just like everyone else around me does...
death is new to my immediate family. we've never lost anyone extremely close to us that would turn our worlds upside down. the only person extremely familiar with it was my mother...and i could never wrap my mind around what may have gone through her mind losing parents, siblings, family and friends to return the next day to work, tending to her husband or something else. we would almost forget what happened because she'd never speak of it again. i have no idea what it was like on the inside...
(sigh) normalcy. slowly making the attempt. steady trying to turn insanity into sanity.
Monday, May 21, 2012
dysfunction
it's been 3 weeks since my mom passed away. has it really? the time is going so fast and im still not used to her not being here. a few days ago i caught myself calling her phone...i was thinking about something and really wanted to see what she thought. but it was just her voicemail...with her whimsical voice. i cant believe MY mommy is gone.
i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.
i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.
i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.
mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.
today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.
i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.
but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.
& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.
& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.
me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.
i know that one day...it would come. we cant live forever and i dont think there would ever be an age when i would be comfortable not having my mom around but right now just seems extremely hard because i still feel 18 in need of all of her validation.
i always said my mommy was a cougar...because SHE IS but she was such a kitten at heart and i just miss her alot. moving into their place has been difficult not hearing her coming in & out of her room or her singing around . i just feel like i didnt have enough time to share so many amazing milestones with my mommy including my continuous nagging that made her concerned that i wasnt prepared for marriage or for living alone that she wanted to set up cameras in my apartment.
i was seeking a home around the time my mother left this world and as i went back and forth deciding to move back in with them before we finally came to a place to close on the new place...she was looking forward to me moving back in...and i was just concerned for my sanity (i know my parents). but now when i walk in the house...i just wish she would turn the corner and be here when im here and i never thought that those little moments would matter to me so much.
mommy & i butt heads on things and i was never quite sure of some things with my mother, but i loved her endlessly and still need her more than i think i probably thought i did.
today, i feel good. last week, i was horrible. everyday that i feel better the pit of my stomach aches to think that im getting used to my mother not being there. almost like i am forgetting here. to see my dad with my mom is also a new experience. my mom never went anywhere without my dad & it hurts that she is not around sometimes.
i could question God, but i trust Him. i trust that my mom is still always available in my heart and a lending ear. i know that from the sermon today that THIS TOO will pass (at least the pain) and i should find comfort in God's arms. i am trying daily to regain sanity and courage, but it is so damn hard.
but im reminded that this near never seemed to be easy...i knew this year would come with change and challenge before it even began because of some of the goals i set for myself...but i never expected this.
& no1 understands even when they try but im EXTREMELY grateful that so many have been so extremely supportive in the midst of my broken heart, shock & guilt that i could have been pivotal in allowing my mother to still be here. i still feel hurt about that, but grace to God, again, for friends who kept me and my family company, allowed me to sleep by sitting with my family when i could barely keep it together, cooking, making calls that i could not find the strength to make, being available at the memorial with a shoulder and everyday after that. i am grateful. i am grateful. i am grateful.
& i pray for comfort in my heart for the pain that lingers there but i keep praying to hear from my mother that she isnt mad at me, that she is okay, that i will be okay even though there are days i wish i wasnt on this side of this life...i keep trying to find that strength.
me & my sisters always thought our family was dysfunctional. what that means for one's family could be different, but we def had some sort of craziness that only made sense for us and that we eventually embraced as normal. but this here...is a new dysfunction that with time will create new tears of joy and pride that we made my mother proud but right now...its just trying to stay on two feet.
Monday, April 23, 2012
is sex better than love?
gearing up for bed...turned on my TANK pandora station (idk why i do that to myself...playin with Tank!) and then Trey Songz "sex aint better than love" comes on. now ive heard this song hit the radio a few times and never really paid much attention to it. because of alot of the music trey songz had generally put out before, theres no way i could find myself taking this one seriously...like, seriously, you think LOVE is better than SEX? who knew?
it all seems a bit contrary to some of his music money makers. in theory, i would readily agree with the song. love is better than having random sex with someone you dont love. but then i took a step back and thought about the general idea of sex and i think trey touches on it a bit in the song when he says "and it feels bad and it feels so good" and i think that pretty much sums up what sex kind of falls into...very little...
if you have found yourself in the situation where you have been with someone who you didnt a committed relationship with...you may agree that sex tends to have zero to no security. even when two people knowingly go into it casually...the likelihood of both coming out of the situation the same way they came in is unrealistic and unlikely. have you seen the movie "friends with benefits"? i think its a great sum up of how sloppy the concept can become. even more so, in the long run, difficult for women to comprehend and keep separate no matter how much they are aware of what is going on. its just UNNATURAL for a woman, particularly, to be absolutely disconnected from a man that she knowingly connected herself to. this doesnt mean the sex isnt good...i can just become complicated and then youre in public places trying to avoid this person whose name you cant remember or had a bitter text fight with that resulted in neither of you speaking again.....yeah, one of those situations...
& the security of love makes the act of sex...different. there is absolutely a purpose why God wanted us married before engaging in the act that would (1) generate children (2) provide pleasure and definitely allow two people to connect in a way that God intended..and thats for two to become 1.
so i guess i do agree with trey...love is definitely better. there are few words to describe what that level of intimacy is like between two committed individuals. and although a few *tank* or *trey songz* tracks could EAASSSILLLYYY lead to necessary yet unnecessary thoughts and situations...he got it right on this one. and its such a nice track to add...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
grapeseed oil. the new black.
welp, upon needing to wash my hair again, i decided it may be time to cut my infatuation with olive oil for a bit and check out this grapeseed oil on my hair and on my skin! the above photo is of the brand of grapeseed oil that i use and personally bought at my local grocer Kroger's-la tourangelle grapeseed oil
some of the benefits below:
- high in antioxidants
- can slow the process of aging
- high amount of linoleic acid making it great for moisturizing the skin (including lips)
but heres what ive discovered using it myself and how i used it!
- face: i did nothing special! i exfoliated my skin (with apricot scrub i bought at the store or you can use all natural sugar that isnt "pure" yet to exfoliate which is way better considering the nature's content) and applied the oil lightly on my face&neck and allowed my skin to absorb it. it works has a cleanser and moisturizer and my skin didnt even look oily after - major points!
- skin: very similar to how i use olive oil with ALL OVER application. i use olive oil like lotion and towel it off a bit but grapeseed oil is pretty thin and i just applied it like did lotion in any other situation. i LOVE how it works on my skin and here's a tidbit: it's GREAT on stretch marks. officially my go to sh*t right now!
- hair: i washed my hair, towel dry lightly and used the oil as a hot oil treatment. using a microwave safe container, i heated the oil for about 30 seconds and parted my hair in 4 sections. its alot harder because im natural but it could be easier for you! i applied the oil starting from the back and applied to the sections as evenly as possible (not perfect), went back and made sure i got my ends (because they need the more moisture) and then massaged my scalp with it. VERY great oil overall. i kept it on for about 30 minutes and rinsed applying a little conditioner but in hindsight i dont think i needed the conditioner at all. it's ready to style and go at that point! my hair felt light, full and of course shiny! loved it. i ended up doing some french braids and with a little leave in it was easy to handle! whew!
so thats my take! im officially a believer and will continue using it to see how future results go and see how long my shine lasts before ill need to use more oil on my hair. since i work out, it will probably be soon!
here's another secret of grapeseed oil, because it's all natural, colorless and a light oil, it can be used a lubricant! take that tidbit as you will but dont go buy that expensive extra stuff when your kitchen can literally provide all your needs! =)
Friday, March 2, 2012
one night
tall. handsome. you.
charming. chivalrous. you.
always listening and attentive.
close enough for your energy to linger on me.
far enough for me to want more.
nothing like im used to.
everything i want
half of what i need.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. dark corners like steamy saunas.
like birthday cake on an off day.
lovin on a rainy day.
day dreams in evident nightmares.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. like its all the way real.
til the sun rises and we sneaking past each other's eyes.
lies and faitytales.
ill take it.
just tonight.
charming. chivalrous. you.
always listening and attentive.
close enough for your energy to linger on me.
far enough for me to want more.
nothing like im used to.
everything i want
half of what i need.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. dark corners like steamy saunas.
like birthday cake on an off day.
lovin on a rainy day.
day dreams in evident nightmares.
f_ck it. roll with it.
soak in it. like its all the way real.
til the sun rises and we sneaking past each other's eyes.
lies and faitytales.
ill take it.
just tonight.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
piece.
i just want a piece.
some piece.
nothing more.
nothing less. just an opportunity to reach it and actually touch it.
a touch.
of the garment.
of the goal.
of everything ive given up and chosen to live for.
for everybody that said i was a nobody.
and for you to give me piece...
that says im somebody.
i am somebody.
and under your wing....
i wait and will not worry.
justified and verified.
my piece is coming.
some piece.
nothing more.
nothing less. just an opportunity to reach it and actually touch it.
a touch.
of the garment.
of the goal.
of everything ive given up and chosen to live for.
for everybody that said i was a nobody.
and for you to give me piece...
that says im somebody.
i am somebody.
and under your wing....
i wait and will not worry.
justified and verified.
my piece is coming.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
present.
im present
thats it
absolutely unsure what the grass on the other side looks like
not quite sure if i want to
just present
moving at a decent pace
never absolute that the lane is right...
or is the lane left?
completely present; im sure im here
and hear often how gifting the present is
well, if thats the case...how come it feels like a nightmare? or daymare?
constant torment of lists undone, passions untangled and sh*t unhandled...
embellished with lavish parties, fancy drinks and daily routine
always on sale - someone always tryna sell something...and none of it can be returned
so i sit with my piles of presents (yes)
piles of presents (yeah)
piles of presents (maybe)
absolutely unsure; never absolute
and embellished.
Monday, January 23, 2012
possibly impossible?
single. black. female. 3 words that when put together almost seem like a death sentence. im over exaggerating, but am i really? going into the new year...no expectations on my part. but alot of women who fit in these 3 words...are really looking to be found...should that even be how it goes? should love FIND you or should you be actively engaging in the search process? plenty of questions...
a friend sent me this article. i laughed. idk if this woman, but i was thouroughly amused that he thought i could. am i though? hmmm...
Tracy McMillan: Why You're Not Married
how accurate is this for you? welp, i'd figured i'd share and let you decide if you fit the mold.
BE ENCOURAGED!
Article Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
a friend sent me this article. i laughed. idk if this woman, but i was thouroughly amused that he thought i could. am i though? hmmm...
Tracy McMillan: Why You're Not Married
how accurate is this for you? welp, i'd figured i'd share and let you decide if you fit the mold.
BE ENCOURAGED!
Article Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
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