Wednesday, September 4, 2013

misconception of single life.

(1) i am not lonely.

i would just like to make that clear. maybe some are but then i would question the integrity of their singleness.

(2) just because im single and nice does not mean im looking

a flirt is often just a flirt. and the end of this day, i'd much rather curl up with my book than with you.

(3) my calendar isn't always available to you mister

dates are exciting, but im not dropping everything for one. before you, i had loving and great relationships with people i enjoy spending time laughing and sharing with. if i have plans to be with them, im sticking to them. pick another day.

(4) yes, it's fun to get lucky...just not tonight...maybe not this yr

respect celibacy. stop trying. it's a turn off. and you'll get turned down abruptly. allow life to progress the relationship. maybe that celibacy shit will go straight out the window. just not tonight.

(5) pity parties are not a girls night out...

it's  for bum b*tches. lady pals, im not sitting around man bashing or trying to figure our why the f*ck you and i are still single. even we are so awesome. we just are. pray for guidance and strength, enjoy life and let it flow. like a stream, it always ends up where it needs to go, right? there is no use in saying how horrible guys are. it's not true. they all aren't horrible. maybe there's been a few bad seeds in your life...what's consistent in that pattern? maybe it's time to self reflect.

(6) toys...

...are for toddlers =/

(7) "i dont wanna dance with you. im here with my girls!"

alot of the time this is true. depends on the gal. sometimes it's a straight up lie, and she's hoping you'll ask for her number. you probably won't, so she's really just there to have fun with her girls!

(8) "let me set you up..."

um, how about no.

(9) dating yourself is strange.

not at all. it's all about self discovery, being outside of your comfort zone and exploring. it's even better with like minded singles who make you feel normal for enjoying being single. often times, the enjoyment of being single comes from great company. singleness is a confidence booster, an opportunity to explore without the fear of hindering someone else and expanding the value you have to offer someone in the future.

being single is all about loving yourself, spending time loving on others and enjoying a fruitful life. although men and women are staying single longer and longer than what alot of women would prefer, it is the changing land space of our lifestyles but our mindset has not caught up with it yet. although marriage and children is an exciting future, it is not anything to rush for but everything to personally prepare yourself to be the best spouse or future parent you can be by being your BEST SELF. no one is perfect but we should always be striving for our personal BEST and consistently on a track where we display EXCELLENCE. those lessons are best learned while we are single, and because of that..i am grateful. you should be too. be proud of yourself. find your passions. seek out goals and chase them. it will be those unforgettable experience that will make the wait worth waiting for.

opinion: black women are under valued.

after the Trayvon Martin verdict came out. i was PISSED! although i was shocked about what the decision had come to be, i was shocked about what this said about how those people in particular viewed BLACK LIFE and particularly BLACK MEN.

i saw Fruitvale Station last night. also pissed me off. so i guess all this is kind of fresh on my mind...

many of the people i spoke with about the Martin case or the people i saw making comments about the case, mostly black people, had many of the same sentiments as me. although i believe many of the black men i saw making comments about it were mad about almost felt like they were accepting of it. expecting it. and therefore not nearly as outraged as one may expect. it is sad and concerning to me.

but it is black women that brought so much attention to the Martin case and were so out raged (IMO). yes, even me. pissed. disgusted and horrified by what it must feel like to be a BLACK MAN IN AMERICA.

is probably an understatement.

we worried that one day our children could be a Trayvon case. a victim to a "just" system where murder was legal based on law. remember Jim Crow?

it just made us angry, but i think black women spoke so loudly, firmly and honestly about it. how we were STANDING BY THE BROTHERS. supporting them. rallying for them. protecting them. ALL of them. because it was necessary. and it is.


what about us? black women.

between music disguised as art and the mentality of some black men that perpetuate the stereotypes, lack of positive imagery and language about black women and carry it forward to young men...disgusts me.

how did we make it OUR business to support ALL of them (no matter what) and then for us to be reduced to women who are hard headed, difficult to get along with, demanding and not open minded (just to name a few things i have heard). how did we get reduced to this? why is it so difficult to PUBLICLY see a BLACK MAN speak positively about black women?

again, not all. but those that are the mouth pieces of our negativity in our backyards, communities and public platforms make it difficult to NOT BE BITTER.

it concerns me that as we get will be difficult to see black men standing alongside black women in the same way we would DIE to do the same for them. and i am just not speaking in the realm of positioning ourselves in our communities but also in relationships.

our neighborhoods are dying without our example. our faces. two. as parents. we are dying. and i have, honestly, heard black men say, "you all too closed minded. you did to date outside your race." which is anyone's prerogative.

but are we wrong that we want to see UNITY in our community the same way you see it in an Asian, Pakistani (or similar descent) or Hispanic community? they STAND together.

it just breaks my heart sometimes. and even makes me angry.
but if nothing else, i trust this: WE, as black women, have a gift and a curse to love them (yes, you) no matter what. and most of will. we will continue to raise black men the best way we know how, we will continue to dominate on college campuses and we will continue to rise professionally. we will keep doing that.

and hopefully one day it will be appreciated.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

one step at a time.

i was such an awkward black girl growing up. as Pastor is going through this "Ridiculous" sermon series, tonight, we focused on some things NOT to do while journeying through faith. my favorite F word. 
one thing that i realized tonight is must be a blessing and a curse to be me. the joy and value that i find in solitude sometimes is eerie. im grateful to God for it because when we have no comfort in being alone, how can we know when someone is actually adding to us? 

my prayer for myself and each woman (particularly single ones) that i know is that we become fully aware of our value. our solitude is God's way of dancing with us. value it. He is just finding ways to spend time with us by allowing us to be exposed to things/people that we would not have being connected with someone at this point in our lives.

it is my desire that for every step that i take that God will be taking two steps. especially when it comes to those walking in and out of my life (and yours). that we will be strength for them as they are for us. and i think that's one of the most beautiful things about faith. God says deny you and trust Me. and that's often meaning you need to walk alone. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

as if there are no other options.

i must disclose. darn, i miss my short hair. i really do. i think i've done the extremes with hair, and with the summer upon really wanting to cut it all again. thoughts and decisions...

today i was thinking how not meaningful some people choose to lead their lives.
i heard a story about a guy that was selfish.
he lived that way and thought it was okay.
he took more than he gave.
and then he died.
and not even his family really wanted to entertain him in his living.
surely not at his death.

i wonder. do people ever think there is more to life than the life they're living?
although the desire is to pursue life to the fullest because we are aware of it's shortness.
do we care to care about others.
does YOLO have to include booze, gossip and meaningless relationships?
maybe it works for some.

but for others seeking to go beyond.
it's admirable. i really truly admire people who go beyond their comfort.
more importantly, who hault their self righteousness to pursue a faith walk of uncomfort.
that's insanity.
that is faith.

and i figured it was important to share that walking in faith should be an action as if there are no other options. it's selfless. it is raw. it is necessary, in my opinion, to say you lived.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


DTR. it was the discussion that we had over a late work night and a much needed drink.

DTR = define the relationship

no need to name names. im sure many have been there. been dating someone and never quite had the discussion about where the "relationship" was going. maybe there was a blur between friendship to intimacy that hasn't made you quite aware of whether or not it's appropriate to discuss it. or maybe you have been hanging out with that person and havent generated the courage to discuss it. regardless of what it may be...if you're in DTR stage, you are probably encountering a near by awkward conversation (depending on how long you have been dating)

i am no expert. but i have seen enough epic dating fails to become aware that DTR should be at the top of your list if your desire is to date someone long term and the marry. although you should get creative on how to approach it here's some tips i recommend on when to have the conversation:

1) 3 month rule: It takes 90 days for most companies to give you full benefits. Align with this rule when dating and needing to DTR. 90 days should give you sufficient enough time to have an idea of whether this person is worth considering beyond 90 days. If they haven't given you reason to believe they should go beyond that yet, they can stay in the friend category while you continue the pursuit or get to know that person better.

2) Sex: Let's say you didn't make the 90 days before you gave full benefits. Well, sex changes everything. You should now have DTR. If it was a random thing, forget it. If not, you need to attempt to salvage this situation by addressing your desire to have a long term relationship. I would highly recommend discontinuing the sex as it complicates the psychology of a woman, but you're an adult. You should be aware of the pleasure and pain that sex can bring when introduced to a relationship prematurely.

3) Long after 3 months: You're well overdue! At this point, I assume that you haven't made it clear what you're seeking. This is usually how people end up not having DTR have 90 days. Usually it's those who "go with the flow" when dating. I highly disagree with that method. It only opens up the opportunity for someone to take over your dominion (check separate post) and basically get benefits without commitment. You don't want that if it's your desire to have a long term relationship. However, proceed with care. This is where you probably need to get creative in your approach and probably re-evaluate this situation. If this person hasn't brought up DTR ask yourself (1) is this someone i really want to date/marry? (2) is this not a priority to him/her? Once you have gotten over this hump, you may decide you're ready to cut ties or finally have a conversation about what exactly you both are doing. If you're at this point, you've probably gone way past point #2, and may God be with you.

DTR can sometimes be awkward, but it's only awkward if you don't know where you stand.'s just natural, and hopefully you get lucky on that route.

Happy dating.


what a beautiful evening houston was. beautiful. it felt like an actually Spring day, and i find that quite odd. are we in our last days? idk. it should be 150 degrees by now, but im not complaining.

i want to make a better habit of writing. when i want to rest, it seems like i have not much room for it. but then i have to remind myself that we make room for what we want to make room for. so hear i am.


it's quite difficult to determine what this words me. dominion from what i can recall in many lessons ive heard from Scripture is that dominion is possession. dominance. control.

as ive gotten older, its been my walking nature to be aware of my dominion. to be aware of the power that God has given. to be aware and knowledgeable that you can worthy of the control God has given you.

i think i was aware of my passive aggressive nature when i was a kid. it always those closest to you that challenge your dominion. well, challenges they were. i learned quickly that taking dominion often means getting serious about who you allow to speak and act in your life. speak and act.

im grateful that there is growth but still a ways to go. i am. you are. consistently challenged.

ive come to a point that when my dominion is threatened...i have to make two decisions (1) flee or (2) fight. i think we are all aware of how this works. it's how we protect ourselves. sometimes it is okay to flee. sometimes it is necessary to flee. we have to. but other times, we need to take action and fight. action. easy to say difficult to do and often difficult to be fully aware of how long the fight may last before the dust settles and you are set free in the spirit. the fight. the action.


i think the God IN us provokes us to challenge ourselves. our flesh is always toiling with just what to do. how to do it. and when to do it.

if i recall in Scripture properly..the only thing that i can recall Christ asking to "flee" was anything in contrary to the very own dominion of God.

i trust that dominion begins when you find your inner God. you are aware of the strength that you have. and the voice that you possess. dominion is not far from you.