Saturday, July 21, 2012

l-o-v-e and other 4 letter words... f* in f*ck it...bc thats what i say sometimes when that all too familiar sigh leaves the lips of a single friend....the sigh that often times deals with men or the lack of them (is there really a shortage or just a shortage of the ones we like?). nonetheless...the sigh is usually really depressing and it's usually followed by my own sigh which is usually a combo of f*ck it & i understand....

because really and truly...i get it. but the fact that i havent been eager or hungry to date or find a mate had my wondering was i renewing my mind to prepare for a lifetime of singleness??

i came across this article on yahoo (that i have been trying so hard to find but cant find for the life of time) that discusses what happens in the mind of a single person like spoke so true i coulda swore Jesus Himself wrote it just for me to see...just to confirm i wasnt crazy...

i wont lie. i LIKE being single. i appreciate it like i appreciate those beautiful BCBG sandals that i desperately want but cannot afford (insert sigh here but totally unrelated). i really appreciate being single. once upon a time when i was dating and in a rut of despair post breakup...i thought my life was ending. typing literally laughing out loud...u really gotta look back at ur old self and laugh at how ridiculous things were...praise God for growth...

but since those aware of what marriage should be...and it was absolutely something i wasnt prepared for and God gave me a green light all the way exit...i took it relunctantly but not without a few stops along the way...[side eye all over that situation and insert another sigh]

but there is just alot of beauty in being single and because i have assured myself that God's timing is better than resting knowing that he will come when the time is right...but here's my dilemma....whats the RIGHT timing? is it now? tomorrow? am i now panicking about l-o-v-e when i was just really nonchalant about it? say f*ck it again...but then probably miss timing? idk. crazy.

but here's what the article pretty much said to me (which is where ive been trying to get to): first things first: u like being single (which i already establish). you like it so much so that even when you meet someone ur attracted to or could potentially be interested're extremely casual about the situation..never getting too close or too comfortable and most importantly...they become another thing on ur to-do list once you realize they've become too persistent in seeing you....(i plead the fifth)...

just recently a guy i used to talk to was like, "hey, lets do coffee and catch up..." first thing that hit my mind was all the other things i need to do. of course i told him i'd get back to him...sadly, we never actually get that date in stone and he was cool peoples too often assuming i'd been "too busy" for him. which is true! i have been busy and if i have any extra time i'd prefer to keep it to myself or with friends/family. so it wouldnt be a thing for a friend to request such a simple request and make it happen...but let a man say it...and im needing to look at my agenda and proceed with caution...

ive gotten comfortable being single. ive gotten comfortable with my circle. and anything new just seems a bit extra...and i dont need anything new and extra going on...

the article continues saying: now that you view dating as a tend to push it to the bottom like that paper you need to write and end up doing at the last minute...often losing interest and then letting out a sigh of relief when you can finally return to your normal single schedule....

YES YES life in a nutshell.

so im a nut. in a single shell.

and im working on it...kinda...realizing it is step one. it's hard though.

i cant HARDLY be alone on this and if i am...maybe i need some serious soul searching but surely someone could understand my viewpoint here...

singleness (in all its gifting ways) still means ur setting a table for one. surely saying f*ck wont last too long (if God says the same) but it doesnt hurt to embrace where u are while you're here. in more ways than TOO glad im here. the ability to just be me. free and simple. marriage...its different and relationships where the heart are involved tend to become time consuming and maybe there's something deeper keeping me from it all...

nonetheless. the moral of the story here is find ur single story. love it where u are and f*ck the rest.

au naturale

a month ago i went and got my hair straighten. i hadnt seen it straight it so long i was kinda nervous how it would turn out. on top of ends were going thru a hell cycle of being under managed and splitting like crazy (sigh) but the length that my hair has generated since going natural again (because this is at least my 2-3rd time going natural) some serious length!

ive since ran it under water and feel completely liberated again now that im not running from any form of water...but i started to realize that being natural started to feel like a burden...

do u KNOW natural women?! some of them take this shit very seriously. ive just grown not to care. i do a twist out and keep it moving...better yet...let me slap on a wig and fake it til i make it. so right before wading in the water and allowing my curls to go free...i went back to underground world of natural blogs looking for something fresh to feed my roots and recovered some new styles

BUT the blessing i received had to be this new term that i found too funny: pre-poo. natural videos kept mentioning it. i had to google it. so, it's basically conditioning ur hair before u shampoo it. in my sounds ridiculous. i gave it a try and i share my recipe below. two words.

GOD SEND. my hair is immaculately soft, manageable and only took me about 10-20 minutes to detangle vs to the old 1.5hr detangle i was slaving through before...close enough to me literally cutting all my hair off...

i cant see myself getting a relaxer again but like many things in my life right now...everything is teaching some kind of lesson....and my hair is always revealing something new in me before it literally comes thru ur head. my inability to handle my hair just was a reflection to how careless i had become about myself for awhile...completely uncommitted to anything bc everything was changing too much. easier to overlook it and until it becomes a mess...and then ur forced to handle it....

i feel a sermon in my spirit but i wont go in....

so on that note...while i praise through these's my prepoo recipe...attempt it for urself or do a lil research...just dont get lost in the blogs unable to find urself...

- 1 part honey (heat up and then add condition to the honey)
- 1 part african black soap conditioner
- 1/4 part of an essential oil (i used olive oil)
- mix these well
- with a brush and comb apply the mix in sections assuring it saturates from root
- leave on the hair over night in a cap or leave on hair for about 1-2 hours
- run hair under warm water
- apply ur regular shampoo [prepooing is suppose to give ur hair some protection from being stripped by a shampoo that may contain ingredients that tend to be harmful to the hair]
- condition ur hair
- i used KINKY CURLY leave in and olive oil mix after drying

what i recovered from this process:
- easier for me to detangle in shorter time while i the shower
- great smell that is still lasting
- the oil helps seal the hair
- less breakage
- great shine
- manageable


my 5head and post the Godsend of kyra straightening my hair!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

too official

in a way of trying to maintain sanity, ive re caught my writing bug. between the busy and the not so busy....i try to sleep but then sleeping makes me realize im write to be clear. but i havent really wanted to post it. everytime i think to add my writing here it feels........too official. too formal even though i rarely use punctuation or capitalization properly. but sitting at my pc to type here puts a rush of unnecessary fear inside of me. its too official. out for everyone to see. some things far too intimate but maybe a blessing to someone else. still too serious. too official and too much like something i have to face head on. writing this is very much nudity to me.

slowly and surely...whatever i used to have taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...

im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.

and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.

too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.

til next time.