my summer in a nutshell

so the summer is surely closing. labor day is looming.
do you have big plans? i never do!
had a blessed summer of personal growth & relaxation.
im thinking that's what summer's are really for.
reflection. growth. stability.
ive really enjoyed that balance this summer & praise God for the break!
where will i go next? not sure but im in planning season.
here's my summer in 20 photos. thanks for reading =)

i pee in the shower.

la-de-dah is the day! it was smooth sailing & i actually enjoyed it. but in the midst of some boredom at work i was reading an article, as i often am, about why women should not be mad at men when they pee on the floor or better yet just had really lousy aim. long story short...there's apparently plenty of reasons why a sane man would not make the toilet. *shrugs* but imagine how disgusting we women feel about things like that. he's disgusting, right? he probably didnt even car eenough to clean it up. whatever. but i started thinking about today how women tend to be so "nice-nasty" that they fail to live.

granted. i agree that that ish is nasty and he probably needs get his own bathroom and pee properly but how is it that modern women are still so ancient (or should i say antique elegance) in what we choose to hide about ourselves?

what i've discovered through relationships with men is that they want women to be as free as they are...to an extent. please, dont go trying to pee with your husband or "boo" in the corner somewhere. you'll probably make a seirous mess, but i would definately encourage women to be more human in embracing what is natural in the process of loving someone which is breaking the shields and opening the veils. although your elegance is important in allowing you to sustain confidence and have your mate view you as a lady. it's equally essential to able to identify what kind of woman you REALLY are outside the public view. can you connect with yourself? not necessarily in THAT way if you got your mind in the gutter! but think of it in aspects of being more like a paper clip...it's moldable. you should, to an extent, always be moldable with your mate. the only thing consistent in ANYTHING is change. but to lay the foundation to what you are makes him appreciate you more..the airy-ness...the open-ness...

so what does this have to do with me peeing in the shower ? *shrugs* it's simply a confession. however, imagine what a confession such as this...out loud...could do to your self esteem? or maybe you can admit out loud..as i do...that sleeping with clothes should be sin *shrugs* it identifies what kind of person you REALLY are and encourages you to act on the expression.

here's what the process looks like to me:
1. make an admission
2. come to grips with that admission and say it aloud
3. explore why you feel that way (why did i need to say that?)
4. how can i make this work for my good?

admitting that i pee in the shower could...for the love of God draw someone toward God! crazy, right? but maybe they can find humanity in me even though im a spiritual person. they dont feel like im non-approachable. it also allows me to be open. to be admit that aloud and begin to accept other things about myself and may appear shameful to others. i've chosen to embrace the little flaws and/or awkward things about myself that allow me to be me.

how do this play out in relationship? well, you're more open with your partner. if your dude is running to some hussy that's totally different from you...and not that he NEVER has a right to cheat on you...EVER and it's NEVER your fault...after you break up with him and burn his clothes...discover those aspects of yourself that you can be more cautious about opening and closing.

i believe that someone are SO comfortable in their skin and they easily get taken advantaged of and become a revolving door with relationships. no one in Heaven is that considered healthy but making small admissions about what's wierd...awesome...strange etc about you will make you more open in several areas of your life.

& these words come from a closer hoarder of emotions *raises hand*

Prettiest Day in New Orleans

courtesy of solcomhouse.com

Prettiest Day in New Orleans


I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Moving to New Orleans was me embarking on a new journey. New Orleans was the perfect city. First week through classes, enjoying the new experiences and first weekend out on Bourbon street, I was ready for August 29,2005. It was a Monday. If I recall correctly, I remember briefly hearing about a hurricane coming on that Sunday. My mom had mentioned it to me, but no one I knew on campus or heard about was taking the storm that seriously. A hurricane? Oh whatever! Besides, it would more than likely be something simple over the weekend and we’d be back to work. The weather had been pleasing the previous week and the weekend. Monday morning I looked out the window before getting ready for class, and my mom calls me. Apparently, the hurricane was more serious than expected. I realized people were leaving, but I still wanted to stay. I wasn’t convinced yet, but my mom had my uncle, from Biloxi/Ocean Springs, to pick me up. I sat on the stoop in front of KD. There weren’t any clouds in the sky. The humidity felt rather low that morning, and the birds were singing. In the midst of the people congregating on the lawn, the chaos and mayhem, the nature around us was still and beautiful. So, I took a stroll toward the library and sat near the shaded tree in the breezeway facing the nun’s quarters I think. It just didn’t seem like a hurricane was due to arrive. When my uncle came and we sat through several hours of traffic, people were frantic. Needless to say, the next time I’d return to New Orleans would be in January when the city was open to residents again. The week of Katrina, I resided in Mississippi. The storm came in with full force, it whistled through the night and day until it finally died down. It was a stillness for a minute before the sounds of sirens surrounded us. I hadn’t slept since the storm came in. We had no electricity, access to phones, food, water but the church up the street offered us meals. The only way I could get home was through Alabama…the long way back to Houston because of the apparent damage. I had no idea what was going on until my uncle told me, “Your school is flooded.” So, the prettiest day in New Orleans was a hoax? I felt bamboozled by nature. To allow us to have the most perfect day, it set us up for the perfect storm. Katrina was historic in nature and brutal in its forces. Seeing the gulf of Mississippi, the places we used to go, the places we used to stay, the beach homes along the front...they are no more. The vitality of New Orleans is just not the same. The energy is different. The aspects of history from both of these states I've spent a great time growing to love had changed. But is the change necessarily bad? No. It was just different. I went back to Houston went three pairs of clothes and school books. Everything about what happened with Katrina is officially a blur, but I’ll never forget the day of. It’s just a continuous reminder for me that its in the silence, the quiet, the perfection in something that rises up the spirit in you to say, “God must have something to say.” Oh, He had plenty to say and plenty to expose. There’s still a long way to go. It'll be like 9/11 for those of us who went through Katrina, but I refuse to remember it as a sad story. It initiated new desires within me for that I'm grateful. I definately reverance any pretty days in Houston from now on. This time...I'm listening,.

in NYC? go here!

so i've fallen in love w/ the city that never sleeps. YES! so i had to share some of the places, in ANY given season, that you can visit and definately feel the spirit of NYC...at least as a visitor. don't be afraid to talk to locals either! none of this is in any kind of order!

_________________________________________________________

1. Top of the Rock - no lines & landscaping views of all 5 burroughs! what's better than that? avoid the Empire State Building. you can see it from the Top =)

2. Times Square - touristy as ever but ALOT of people seeing. always loud, live & interesting! 5th to 7th Av on Broadway is full of places to shop, eat and take classic photos in the middle of the street. Watch for traffic though...the horns will be blaring at you!

3. Nespresso - Upper East Side Manhattan. Super classy & upgraded version of Starbucks w/ security. LOVED this place and the staff was really nice. It's a franchise, so you might find it in other cities. The caffeine fix and sweet tooth fix is definately right here!

4. Chinatown - Ever strolled down Canal St during Essence Fest? Street venders & crowded streets is exactly what this is times ten! Everybody is trying to hussle you in the streets but the artisy feel of the scene so close to Tribeca makes it a must visit. Great authentic food finds and check out the street vendors before the police comes taking them away...

courtesy of nyc.gov

5. Central Park - You could NEVER see every park of Central Park in one day but you SHOULD visit some part of it on your visit. Great sitting hills and shading trees everywhere. There's events, a zoo and other amenties in the park. If nothing else, you get to say you saw the beautiful Central Park. It's classic.

courtesy of blog.tmcnet.com

when i saw a ballerina dance...

photo courtesy of LA Times

im always in random awe at what love is capable of doing in people. and i dont mean romantic love i mean love..passion...for a something other than another person. like an art form, a cause or a mission. people who stand up for something simply out of love is an OVERWHELMING expression to me.

while visiting nyc a little while ago...i HAD to be at Alvin Ailey. after a semester of studying dance, visiting modern dance studios and actually having the opportunity to perform...i saw a new appreciation for what it is they do.

so while in nyc, i took a dance class which was...AH-mazing. so much fun. great class. kewl ass students i met and some waayyy more trained than me but the instructor was so in tune with us that the energy in there was crazy. like...nothing i ever experienced before. live drummers...all the movement and the sounds just suck you in. the hour just went by too fast. but while waiting for James to come...i got to see the REAL dancers dance.

do we ALL like to dance? duh. but the technicality of some of these people's work is outrageous. i saw REAL ballerinas and well trained modern dancers GLIDE across the floor. the fluidity of their bodies and damn...their bodies were AH-MAZING...i was just in awe struck. nothing like if i would have met a celebrity and although i was just sitting outside the room...i felt like i was sitting right in front of their rehearsal.

it made me sad & excited. sad because i was just an amateur. ugh, so far to go if i ever want to be like that. and then excited to just have shared the space. the energy they had was encouraging that when you chase after you're passions...you can glide across floors too. it's not like this came overnight for them. it took alot of hard work and Alvin Ailey isnt a run of the meal studio.

& seeing them work in such an intense and passionate way just showed so much LOVE that was there. love that they chased after and that as long as God had given them feet...there wasnt a soul that could take that kind of love away from them. isnt that was LOVE is all about? the passion? the essence of raw feelings that translate from the mind and into the limelight...or in their case...the dance floor? that's real, man and i was just so excited to know that this kind of love in its raw form can still blossom.

i figure this is the greatest lesson Alvin Ailey's class taught me: just be. feel it. embrace it. chase it. find the passion and take in the love.

tks <3

3 places to visit in Houston!

Happy Friday 13th! This day seems to SUPPOSED to be something like another Halloween, but this Friday has been...great, relaxing and productive. On that note, don't believe the hype! I wanted to start sharing some of the "top" things I find. starting with: HOUSTON

contrary to popular belief, i do LOVE my city. i was raised here and without Houston i'd probably be a totally different person. and although im still hanging in limbo on whether i'll be moving out the state for awhile...there are some great pieces here in the city to enjoy! whether you're coming to visit or just looking for something to do...have you experienced these 3 gems?

1. The Ensemble Theatre [[www.ensemblehouston.com]]
    I had the pleasure of enjoying some shows here before the season was over, and I can't believe I lived here all these years and never visited this place! The facility feels like a home and the staff is easy going. Great shows here & guess what? You won't spend more than $30 on this date!

2. Discovery Green [[www.discoverygreen.com]]
    Came here for the first time August 2009. Love it! It's not quite Central Park but it's beautiful, huge with lots of roaming space! There are plenty of weekly events posted on the site from writers' workshops to yoga on the lawn. All free! Can't beat that...

3. Museum District [[www.houstonmuseumdistrict.org]]
    Been coming to the District since I was a kid but didn't begin to appreciate it until I was a college student. Did you know most of the museums are free?! Free the Buffalo Soldier Museum in 3rd Ward. Everybody there is knowledgeable and only a $2 entry free! Walking distance between most of the theaters.

there's so much else but check these out first! old things get old quick but i havent grown tired of these just yet! check em out.

did FANTASIA bail out?

whew! so much drama surrounding ms. barrino right now! allegedly she tried to committ suicide and was admitted to the hospital. scary right? all of this after finding out her man's WIFE named her in a legal document regarding their separation...divorce...whatever it is. Fanny, i got a message for you..and maybe for yall too! read on...

one tweet i read on a monday morning from kirk franklin said: "i realized i love God but i dont always trust Him..." but i paraphrase him when he went on to say that trusting is a choice and it's a learned behavior....

hmmm...so i realize we're not meant to trust any and everything. furthermore, it's harder to trust someone who's tangible but not really tangible enough. then you get in the "complicated" phase (please see other blog on this topic) but you just have to lend your ear and heart and mind to God in order to know you're in the right direction. ahh...easy to say, i know!

i dont always trust God. lately, i've found myself barely trusting Him at all despite the fact that i've received confirmation about some things i've prayed about...alot of other things really haven't been confirmed for me. or have they? i'm always feeling like im...WAITING...which brings my waiting to year 23 and a half! but sometime when we feel like we've waiting TOO LONG...we get in a rush mode. "oh, i need this. im tired of waiting." or how about "man, ima just needa do this myself!" sound like you? well, it DOES sound like me and i think it's honest for believers to admit that we don't always trust God. we looking for a BAIL OUT.
on my way to work, i speed sometimes. speeding to get to the next place and wanting everybody to get out of my way. my sisters, friends etc always tell me that i drive too slow...idk if im attempting to prove a point to myself that i could get anywhere in record time without having any issues or what but after returning from fiesta texas and pulling up to our over night stay...i got pulled over.

the officer told me i didnt stop at the red light..."your tires never stopped moving...you didn't come to a complete stop..." he said to me. "you have to come to a complete stop ma'am. that's what the sign is there for." and i simply replied w/ a "i complete understand" but after he gave me a warning and let me go on my way..i didn't understand the importance of what he had said...to be honest..i hadnt even realized that a stop sign was there. i never saw the sign & i wasnt paying attention at all. i just went on my way.

& when my sister & i was mumbling about it later that night she said, "he chose to stop u right in front of the crib because of a stop sign? none of the other cops thought to stop you when you were running out of the lines on the highway on our way here. nobody stopped you when you were speeding. a freakin' stop sign?"

& im thinking to myself: yeah, that was pretty stupid. but Lord, im wondering if it's just a metaphor for what myself is requesting right now...a stop sign. i've been running out of the lines a little bit and telling any and everybody in my way to GET OUT OF MY WAY and right now...i just need a stop sign...take it ez and enjoy the ride. be mindful of the signs & know the right directions to take. GOOD directions will never lead you into the wrong way...

& my mind is finally wrapping around the LONG-SUFFERING game. 1 of the many fruits of the spirit is PATIENCE and surely we take the virtue for granted but look at all the things God has offered His people that waitied. Remember Ruth when she waited? Remember what happened to Abraham when he DID NOT wait? Remember the woman with the issue of blood who traveled with patience many miles and saved money JUST to go see Jesus..and only just the hem of His garment?

my opinion:
Fanny was blinded by what she thought was love and forgot God in the process. there is a process in all these God sends us through, but we sometimes block it out with our BAIL OUT. and with that being said, we end up on rollercoasters we're not mature enough to ride...spiritually. we end in situation that combat God's favor in turn for what favor the enemy within us promises. she.forgot.patience.prayer.peace. and with those things will bring about revelation that this wasnt an approrpiate and wise decision to make. i pray that she does not become overwhelm by this to the state that she doesn't allow God to lead her out. when we are lost the Word says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 and how awesome is this, "My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life!" so dear Fanny, reserve patience in your heart.

my God. how can we NOT wait? although THE flesh isnt interested in anything that puts "long" & "suffering" together just remember this: Fantasia is just an open example of a private problem we all have.
lessons still to learn, friends.

PUBLISHED.

please be sure to check out the short stories i am working on. just developing & seeing what works and what does not work! any feedback is appreciated. anything from how-to, top lists & short stories are on the agenda to be published via Accociated Content! your support is appreciated & you might learn something new!

latest published short story features this photo take by James Lott on our vacation trip to NYC! see James...your photos can tell stories unheard =)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5659992/the_masked_woman_in_a_trench_coat.html?cat=44

enjoy friends =)

am i gay? *from the journal of the awkward grL*

Rainy Saturday morning in Houston. The thunder was a little alarming, but I was determined to visit this exhibit that day. My thoughts about Houston and whether moving would be a good idea provoked me to explore the eclectic parts of the city. In between the hustle of the mainly conservative downtown streets and the busty clutter of the colorful community of Montrose lies this industrial style building: the Station Museum.


“Because We Are” is the latest exhibit presenting the work of 10 artists experiences and expressions of fundamental concerns of the GLBT community. The pamphlet that I opened says its “not only about GLBT civil rights but it is also one that presents artists whose civil rights are at risk simply because they are.” I thought it was quite intriguing.

And I walk into this building of starch white walls; others painted black with tall ceilings. Overall, the exhibit was everything I didn’t expect. I’m not sure what I was expecting but each room told a story. I kept the general concept from above in my mind and felt like I was entering someone’s home with each twisting maze room. My favorite 3 works:

photo from Z.Muholi "Being" courtesy of carlagirl.net

photo from Daniel Goldstein “Medicine Man 2” courtesy of dramaforlife.ca.za

photo from David Wojanrowicz “One day this kid…” courtesy of theendofbeing.com

- Zanele Muholi “Being” < two black women. naked. exposed. loving.

- David Wojanrowicz “One day this kid…” < imagery story of a child’s growth in a hostile world

- Daniel Goldstein “Medicine Man 2” < 300+ bottles hanging from the ceiling from AIDS patients


Then I’m heading home, in the rain mind you, and I begin to wonder, “Wait, am I gay?” I found it interesting the themes of the artists (even those that I did not mention above). The stride for civil acceptance and the exposure in a world where anything goes…except you. I would eerily identify to the feelings of discomfort and the desire for acceptance and complacency.

Hmm…wasn’t expecting a life lesson from this trip but here’s what I identified:

1. Internal struggle

2. Outward acceptance

3. Fight for the cause

When I decided to become a practicing Christian, the hurdles of temptation of all kinds were thrown in my direction from the person I was dating at the time to the company I kept and more importantly…me fighting me. I kept feeling like I was living a double life!

I recall Romans 7:15 where Peter says, “What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.” (Message)

And the infancy of transforming to identity to who you should be and what you’ve succumb to lies the reality of brokenness. Torn between what and who you could loss when deciding to finally cross that bridge to yourself. But a glimpse of the freedom on the other side…the freedom from the heaviness that is plaguing you to keep a front of the old life…isn’t even enough to leave COMFORT until you’re forced to face it.

“…She took some [apple] and ate it. She also gave some to her husband [Adam], who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." And he said, "Who told you that you were naked?” [Genesis 3:6-11]

I love this segment of the story. They didn’t become naked until their eyes were opened, and God basically says how can you be shamed now when you’ve been naked to Me the whole time? I know you!

The reality of coming to grips with whom I’ve begun to become…comfortable in my own skin. The acceptance of burned bridges and savored ones are a part of the healing process when everyone is openly (or not) judging the decision you’ve made, you know? And the question that crosses either person’s mind is: Why me? Why did God choose me to go through this? Straddling a life fence to fit in without compromising yourself and then maturity leads to growth…

It all comes down to where you stand and what you’ll stand up for. The fighter in you is bold, gracious and daring. The other piece of you is still in the closet.

And so I try to draw the conclusion of whether there’s a difference between the Christian fight in me…& the fight in them? While their sin is visible to the world, my faith sometimes makes me a walking contradiction because the sin within me.

The world has a love & hate relationship with both sides. I’m glad I visited the Station to spend the afternoon in conversation with God about the world’s contradictions & my own.

The journey continues…


If you are interested in visiting the Station Museum and “Because We Are” please visit the website.
The exhibit is running until mid September.

play naked.

just do it. it's necessary. hope you're having a GREAT saturday =)

Prop 8 overturned...& our moral compass?

And so Wednesday marked the overturning of Proposition 8. I didn’t hear any celebrating in the streets. Then again, we live in Texas so no celebrating of any sort will be happening here, but what was the rest of the world doing? Sleeping and continuing on with their lives it appears. I’m guessing that they weren’t too surprised either.


Listening to Rose O’Donnell on Sirius 102 on my way home from work, she had her son on the show and discussed briefly what this means for the GLBT community. “I grew up realizing I could never have what my parents had. I knew I was gay since I was seven. I would never be able to be married, and it makes you feel different for the rest of your life,” She stated. It made me chuckle a little bit at the word “different”. Different? Out of all the things that the world has succumb to accept is GLBT people. But are my thoughts naïve or are same sex couples that will soon be able to marry become the new modern family?

So I needed to figure out how I felt about this. First, it took me back to my trip to Chicago. The photo above is something I snapped while strolling down Michigan Ave with my sister. It was bold and striking. I like stuff like that. Right there in the window. Second, Modern Family, the show, where one of the modern families actually is a gay couple raising a child they adopted. Incredibly funny too.

These outwardly expressions about the GLBT community must mean that being homosexual isn’t exactly taboo anymore so why are so many of them feeling “left out” because they are denied marriage?

I really appreciate people who take a stand, but isn’t it possible to be on the wrong side or is it just okay that you’re standing? It seems to me that we’ve come to a place where anything goes…and I mean anything. The moral compass of our country has gone into override where even religious people have become accommodating, including myself. It's not like GLBT persons are denied jobs (i work with them in corporate America) or anything like that. This isn't like the Jim Crow days of denial of rights. Those people were actually denied the right to be equal on several areas. It seems to come down to WHAT YOU BELIEVE is marriage. And attempting to convince our country, founded on Christian morals, that same sex couples can do that will actually be encouraging believers to overturn their beliefs. But it’s so vital to take a step back and wonder if we’re totally out of context on this issue?

I picked up some Scriptures on homosexuality:

• Lev. 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."

• Lev. 20:13, "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their blood guiltness is upon them"

• 1 Cor. 6:9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God."

• Rom. 1:26-28, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. 28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."

So is the Bible wrong or are we wrong? Marriage, in the dictionary, has changed its meaning from “woman and man” to “two people that love each other”. Marriage, as I see it, is between a man and a woman. Since the beginning of time marriage was about them becoming monogamous to procreate. Well, a lot has changed, and we can tell that from premarital sex, sexually transmitted diseases, children out of wedlock and of course the divorce rates in our country. All of these examples are even supported in the Bible.

Galatians 5:19-21 “It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.” (MSG)

Yes, he (Paul) could go on. It draws me to the conclusion that I don’t like the idea of same sex relationships inheriting a “marriage” title. A marriage, in history and of my faith, is something that extends beyond love. It’s a union and a dedication through God. Many people do not get married with these ideas but this is where marriage generated its roots. I feel this way about many of the issues we face today. Stepping out on God, on numerous occasions, has only brought me temporary pleasures in life.

It’s possible to find love in anyone. I’ve known people who have dated both sexes and ultimately ended up dating the opposite sex and the consensus is drawn, whether you feel like you’ve always been gay or whatever the case, it’s ultimately a choice to act on it. The sin of homosexuality isn’t any less than the sin of adultery except one of you might be able to hide it better.

I continue to encourage to extend love, regardless. It’s not my judgement to pass but one day we will all be judged and the only taboo thing I see in homosexuality is calling it a sin. NO ONE wants to hear that with the assumption that you’re “judging” but my faith says what it says and therefore overturning Prop 8 isn’t exactly ideal in my book. I’m looking forward to seeing how it all turns out though. The clock is ticking.

So, where do you stand?

ily friends <3


FYI: If you're interested in reading more check out a San Francisco article - http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/08/05/MNCC1EPLQV.DTL&tsp=1

xfactor.

the world of mathematics, an "x factor" is an unknown quantity which only becomes known after following a prescribed process.

so, I'm sitting here like, "Okay, x-factor, I get it. It's the unknown when you don't even know it's the unknown until you realize it's the unknown..." kind of confusing huh? But I equate it to life and love in general. I'm still searching for the x-factor professionally, spiritually etc. Looking for it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack...you can't search for what you don't know...

I wonder if for Rhianna, Chris was like the x-factor? He became that friend that became the best friend that became the love of your life. Ultimately, you become consumed by the x-factor. The rush of it all because addictive because that element that you couldn't find before is now here and you have no idea how to control it. Frightening right?

We love the x-factor and hate it all at the same time. I always thought God was the greatest comedian I'd never seen. He says in Hebrews 11:1 - which I paraphase - when the Word says: faith is believing what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. One of my favorite passages because once you begin to GROW UP in yourself...the most inevitable part is CHANGE. I'm coming to believe that CHANGE is the x-factor - you change. people change around you. things become more clear. people cant stand it & well...the x-factor is where you meet the reality that they didnt have an indication of staying by your side anyway - you become VERY aware who the "REAL" people are inyour life. It's the ultimate joy and the ultimate destroyer of our fate. And if the x-factor can't be discovered until after we've realized it was the x-factor...then we're playing with fire almost..hands over an open flame and wondering, "hmmm...will i ACTUALLY burn? will someone SAVE me?

& well...i guess all i'm trying to say is: embrace the elements that will lead to your x-factor. there's a process. there's a NEED for preparation just like seeking the job you've prayed for, the man/woman that closes the gap for you, the friends that will truly and hoenstly intercede for you, care for you and those that will surround a positive light for you. with God, it can't be bad even if don't feel good at the time. worry brings stress; stress brings cancer; cancer brings death. don't committ psychological suicide on yourself.

crazy how Rhianna could inspire my thoughts today even though they are erratic and random. im truly just writing from free thought. it wasn't collaborated....

is love complicated or is it you?

I hear this comment from men and woman alike: “It’s complicated.” If you recall, they turned it into a movie! A husband and a wife who became divorced and began to rekindle an old love…or lust? And because love can become so “complicated” Facebook even caters to your confusion! If you can’t define your relationship status Facebook says, “Hey, just put…it’s complicated.”

But is love really confusing or it just…you? Oh, God forbid that it is you, right? But have we not allowed ourselves to allow true love to find us because we’ve been eager to have it? Could it possibly be that we have simply complicated love?

iGoogled the dictionary definition of confused:

1. Perplex or bewilder
2. Unclear or indistinct
3. Fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake

If you identify with the above, you’re probably confused but wouldn’t that be a contradiction to what the Bible says love is?

Mark 12:33 says to love with all your heart, understanding and strength. Romans 13:10 says love does not harm and its fulfilling. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says that love is patient, kind and does not envy or boast and is not proud.

Love, according to Scripture, is selfless. And it is not one way or another way. It is just what it is…love. And it doesn’t come in a gray box which creates this shadow that says that you’re not sure but love comes with a sacrifice just like the death of Christ.

But if you’re defining your “love” as complicated, you might need to re-evaluate yourself. I’ve discovered that when we consider love “complicated” it’s because we’re actually saying, “I am so confused!” It’s okay to admit that but don’t blame that confusion on love. In fact, you should combat it with a rational thought and ask these rational questions:

1. Is there something I am doing wrong?
2. Is this unnecessary stress from this person?
3. Am I fighting a fight I’m not supposed to win?

What I’ve discovered is people who seem perfect for each other still need to review the above questions. That love requires an imperfect balance of struggles & joys. If it’s real love, the pursuit of these above questions will make you open to your partner and to yourself. Be honest with them & yourself. But you’ve come to a point of no return and wanting to hold on to something out of comfort, again, review question #1. You can do better for yourself!

Love is not complicated. Love is perfectly imperfect. But it doesn’t make you feel inferior or confused.

And I close with this: 1 Peter 1:8 “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy…”

THAT is love. Even if you’re not always in harmony, they love you without a doubt. Imagine meeting that person. Is someone doesn’t make you feel like that change your status from “it’s complicated” to “single”.