Tuesday, July 10, 2012

too official

in a way of trying to maintain sanity, ive re caught my writing bug. between the busy and the not so busy....i try to sleep but then sleeping makes me realize im running...so....i write to be clear. but i havent really wanted to post it. everytime i think to add my writing here it feels........too official. too formal even though i rarely use punctuation or capitalization properly. but sitting at my pc to type here puts a rush of unnecessary fear inside of me. its too official. out for everyone to see. some things far too intimate but maybe a blessing to someone else. still too serious. too official and too much like something i have to face head on. writing this is very much nudity to me.

slowly and surely...whatever i used to have on...im taking off in layers and replacing with something like laces and chiffon. naked and fresh and new. it appears to be becoming my story. i keep trying to put things on. on my plate. in my life...and God keeps taking my shirt off. i like naked. but please...

im still trying to figure out what my mother's passing is teaching me. one thing i know for sure is that God's timing is perfect and made perfect everyday since. the way He has allowed it all to occur in our lives. although i am no longer wanting to jump off 59....i cant believe how much faith in God i have that i have managed to still press through. THROUGH. its just a really powerful word. also, maybe too official but something im forced to appreciate. you're going through it. im going through it. allow it all to happen. oh God.

and in going through...either i have super duper faith and love and complete reverence in God or im completely delusional and not handling my mother's passing well. the pain is different but it's still pain. but the beauty of it all is the constant reminder to me that in the quiet spaces of the lines of my body...naked n open, the lines still needing to be filled in my life and the changes that im being forced to accept...God is still here. in the gap. in the middle. through it all. again, that word. again, too official that I AM...really is...I am.

too official. see, thats why i cant just freelance write. it's too real.

til next time.