Sunday, May 5, 2013
DTR = define the relationship
no need to name names. im sure many have been there. been dating someone and never quite had the discussion about where the "relationship" was going. maybe there was a blur between friendship to intimacy that hasn't made you quite aware of whether or not it's appropriate to discuss it. or maybe you have been hanging out with that person and havent generated the courage to discuss it. regardless of what it may be...if you're in DTR stage, you are probably encountering a near by awkward conversation (depending on how long you have been dating)
i am no expert. but i have seen enough epic dating fails to become aware that DTR should be at the top of your list if your desire is to date someone long term and the marry. although you should get creative on how to approach it here's some tips i recommend on when to have the conversation:
1) 3 month rule: It takes 90 days for most companies to give you full benefits. Align with this rule when dating and needing to DTR. 90 days should give you sufficient enough time to have an idea of whether this person is worth considering beyond 90 days. If they haven't given you reason to believe they should go beyond that yet, they can stay in the friend category while you continue the pursuit or get to know that person better.
2) Sex: Let's say you didn't make the 90 days before you gave full benefits. Well, sex changes everything. You should now have DTR. If it was a random thing, forget it. If not, you need to attempt to salvage this situation by addressing your desire to have a long term relationship. I would highly recommend discontinuing the sex as it complicates the psychology of a woman, but you're an adult. You should be aware of the pleasure and pain that sex can bring when introduced to a relationship prematurely.
3) Long after 3 months: You're well overdue! At this point, I assume that you haven't made it clear what you're seeking. This is usually how people end up not having DTR have 90 days. Usually it's those who "go with the flow" when dating. I highly disagree with that method. It only opens up the opportunity for someone to take over your dominion (check separate post) and basically get benefits without commitment. You don't want that if it's your desire to have a long term relationship. However, proceed with care. This is where you probably need to get creative in your approach and probably re-evaluate this situation. If this person hasn't brought up DTR ask yourself (1) is this someone i really want to date/marry? (2) is this not a priority to him/her? Once you have gotten over this hump, you may decide you're ready to cut ties or finally have a conversation about what exactly you both are doing. If you're at this point, you've probably gone way past point #2, and may God be with you.
DTR can sometimes be awkward, but it's only awkward if you don't know where you stand. Sometimes...it's just natural, and hopefully you get lucky on that route.